God's Will

"I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart." Psalm 40:8

Trying to figure out God's will for my life has always been a difficult thing for me. When I was teaching I always wrestled with whether or not I should be teaching or staying at home with my kids. And then when I finally quit teaching to stay home with my kids, I remember days wondering if we made the right decision. Wondering if I gave up on my "calling" to stay home and do the "mundane."

Lately, God has really been working on my heart and speaking to me through His word, and I have realized a few things. First of all, I don't know whether or not it really matters where we are so much as what we are doing where we are. When I was teaching I wasn't making my walk with God the priority. I was distracted, and whether or not I was supposed to be teaching didn't really matter because God's main will for my life at that point (and at any point) was for me to be walking with Him. I think He had to get me out of that life and into a place where I could learn to walk with Him so He could change my heart. When I was teaching it was too easy to blame my circumstances, my students, my busy life, or several other things for my heart issues that I wasn't dealing with. And now that I've been home, it's a lot harder to assign blame and I've had to let God deal with some things.

Another thing I've realized is that being home and being a mom is anything but mundane. I have a tendency to compare myself to others, and I struggle with whether or not I'm living up to my "potential." But God continues to remind me that I am the only mother my children will ever have, and that is a huge responsibility. Other people can continue to teach the students I had, but I'm the only one who can be a mother to my children. And I don't want to miss out on that. I don't want to miss out on the God-given role that He has blessed me with. And whether staying home and homeschooling is more for my benefit or theirs, I don't know, but that's where we are and that's where we're going to stay. Until God directs me otherwise.

At least for me right now, being in God's will is not so much a physical place or circumstance, but more a place of heart. I need to walk with Him every day and be in His word, so He can speak to me. I'm learning to let the Holy Spirit lead, and we'll see where He takes us!